Lately, something here don't feel right

Mike has been really weird the past few days. It's like he has totally checked out. And what I am trying to figure out is if he has checked out of the relationship or if he is just stressed. You know how you can be in the same room and sleeping in the same bed as someone but its like you are miles apart? Thats how its been. Maybe I am just feeling insecure and I should just get over it but I am worried. In his sleep he used to cuddle me and tell me how much he loves me and that he wants to take me with him wherever he goes. He hasn't done that in weeks now. Its almost like he doesn't see me anymore. He used to talk about him and I traveling together and now the only one he includes in his plans is Jake. We talked yesterday about all of his stress and how he feels so claustrophobic and tied down with everything. I can't help but feel that I am part of the problem and not part of the solution.

He also said the other day that he doesn't believe in love. Maybe it shouldn't have but it hurt my feelings.

And yesterday he went to Denver to hang out with his friends. The other day I asked him if I could go with him to meet them because I have not met a single one of his friends. He said sure, then yesterday morning when I asked him about it he looked at me and said "really?!?!" in a tone that was anything but inviting. It hurt my feelings too.

And the worst part, and maybe I am just being crazy, is that friday night Jake and I were up in his room coloring and he started talking about his dad's other "friend" Julia and how he misses her but she lives in Denver. I dunno, do you think Mike went to see her? All is not well my friends. I guess I am mostly just terrified.

I am scared because I have given him my heart or at least as much as you can give in 6 weeks. And I am pretty sure that he will never give me his. Maybe I should stop falling so fearlessly.

and last night I called him before I went to bed, like I told him I would, and he ignored my call... I mean literally it rang 4 times then went to vm... he ignored it. not didn't hear it, not anything like that. Ignored it.

I'm just so unsure and feeling rather neglected. Maybe its my new BC pill, it might be making me depressed and I am looking way to into this. But somehow I really don't think so.

Wow its been awhile

Ok so... I think the last time I posted was a few weeks ago. Crazy how quickly this all seems to go. I am still living with Mike. We have settled into more of a routine and I am learning more of his quirks. Odd that I still love him. hehe. For instance if he drinks scotch while he is making dinner, its a sure sign that after dinner is over he will fall asleep on my lap watching tv. But if its beer he will probably be working on his computer all night. Bourbon makes him playful (I like bourbon ;) ), and gin makes him quiet and thoughtful, Wine though is my absolute favorite, he gets so romantic and sweet when he is drinking wine...

lol I just re-read that and it made him sound like an alchy which is not the case. Thankfully

Another thing that I have learned. Do not talk to him in the morning. Unless he talks first. I have never met a more grumpy morning person in my life. I mean I thought I was bad (or at least I used to be more than I am now) but man o man... this guy makes Walter Matthau look like a shining beacon of light! So the mornings are silent for the most part, unless he wakes up in a good mood (which is rare).

He cooks, I clean. Thats the way it goes. For some reason he loves to cook, and he is super good at it. Last night he made homemade from scratch chicken pot pie with a side of green beans, salad, and a piece of buttered bread (not like reg sandwich bread but legit good crusty bread). And the night before that he made homemade from scratch beef stew with tons of fresh veggies. Am I the luckiest girl or what? So he cooks, and I clean. It works out well for us I think. He does take out the garbage though, there are just somethings that will never change.



I have been looking for a job like you would not believe. I was doing political canvassing for Betsy Markey but then I got very sick and had to go to the ER and I was in so much pain that I couldn't even walk (unless I was on percocet which is not conducive to walking either) for about a week and I lost my job! I didn't really get fired, just got more of an email that was like "Hey I hired a bunch of new people so unless you are 100% better don't worry about coming back" I hated the job anyway... or at least I started to there at the end. Everyone was so rude! So now I am looking again. Back in the beginning of October I applied to be a freelance research assistant and I never heard back from them. Or so I thought. I just looked in my spam folder and there was a reply, they wanted to hire me. WTF. So I emailed them back and I am hoping that this job is still open. - Starbucks wont even hire me because I have a tattoo on my wrist... um starbucks you need to update your policies thanks... fuck 'em.



Went out shopping with my mom and gma the other day for my bridesmaids dress. Tried on a pair of spanx... HOLY SHIT I am in love with them! Never going out without them!


what else..... hmmmmmm......


getting very excited for my mom's wedding!!! Mostly I am just super stoked to be with Miah and Kierstan again!!! and Brandon will be there too! Mom keeps saying that she can't believe Nick wont be able to come. She said it feels unnatural that one of her children wont be there and that she is sure she will cry. We love Nick.


I have been somewhat well, not homesick per say, more like people sick. I miss so many of my friends, its weird isn't it? the people that you are sure you will miss and you don't and the people that have managed to worm their way into your heart and you find yourself somewhat surprised that you miss them. I dunno. I always find it funny that way.


Guys I am having serious issues... well more like I am being dramatic and I have the luxury of falling into an existential crisis. What am I going to do with my life??? thats the question of the day. Please feel free to provide me with an answer. One friend already told me to have a baby. I think I will wait on that thanks.

Time really does seem to fly

Well guys, its been over a month now that I have essentially been living with Mike... and when I say essentially, I mean I probably spend a night or two at my house every other week. Its crazy how fast time goes by. I dunno... it is entering that comfortable phase where we really start to see each other warts and all. Mike can be grumpy as hell haha I mean like almost scary grumpy but for some reason it really doesn't bother me, at least not yet. But I am thinking that maybe we should slow down a little bit. How can you appreciate something if you don't miss it? So I am taking some time to spend at home tonight and for the next few days, because I want to appreciate this stage. The newness part, the part where we can't wait to see each other, where you still get butterflies when you make out with someone. Think its a good idea? I do anyway and I suppose thats all that matters. I think its an important part of any relationship. As much as we all hate the game and the drama they clearly exist for a reason, maybe its a part of human nature. I dunno, I just know that I want to miss Mike, not take his presence for granted. I don't ever want to not appreciate him, and I think that it is getting to that point for us, well it has been a month of spending 24/7 together. I suppose its only natural that the whole comfort thing would creep in. I have found myself sitting around in his apartment in my sweats and a wife-beater not bothering to put on make-up or do my hair or take a shower... not good my friends. So its time to keep the sexiness alive. I actually put on make-up yesterday and got dressed and took a shower and Mike looked at me and said "you look really nice today." oops... I have learned my lesson, a grunge day is kosher every once in a while but not everyday.

Well enough about Mike, for now anyway.

I started my new job today! Canvassing for the incumbent Congresswoman Betsy Markey. It's pretty cool actually. I mean my feet have blisters that you would not believe (wearing my crocs from now on!) but the whole thing was interesting and fun for the most part. The training was pretty funny actually, everything they handed out to us about Betsy was pretty propagandist both pro Betsy and anti-Cory Gardiner (her Republican challenger) so that was amusing to see of course. Thankfully I actually did my research and I was able to spot the propaganda fluff inside the truth, why don't people just tell it like it is? I dunno for me personally I move in the exact opposite direction as soon as I feel like I am being indoctrinated in some way so propagandist stuff works just the opposite on me. Thankfully I pretty much agree with Betsy's policies. She is fiscally responsible which appeals to me in this ridiculous deficit, she voted to reduce her own congressional salary which I also like, she is super pro-agriculture and small business (she was a small business owner for 25 years before she got into politics - another thing I like - no more career politicians - ughhhh), she is pro gay rights which obviously is key for me. I think the only thing I don't like is how anti-bailout she is. I mean I don't like it any more than the next guy but I do think that they were necessary, and honestly a lot of that money has already been paid back - not all obviously but a lot. Oh and she voted for the Health care bill in a move that was, well, gutsy. A lot of the people out here are pretty anti-health care bill and she had a voice and an opinion. I am down with that.

I don't know everything about her, or really all that much anyway, but whatever. I am getting paid to walk around and talk to people about politics. $10 an hour! hell yeah! That rocks out my CV and I am making money doing something that I love to do. Why the hell not? I am working m-f 4-8 pm and sat 10-2... Oooooo and I met a new friend!! or at least I hope he will be!!! His name is Jacob, he graduated from UNC in music, he is gay and fab and I love him!

Last night I cried for the first time since I moved out here. I have been feeling a little homesick for all my friends and for the rest of my family and for all the memories. I dunno. I miss so much. I didn't really realize until last night just how much I missed it all. How much I missed all of you guys. :(

Well for now I must go to bed. "Swamp People" (ummm best show ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has sucked me in once again and it is time for sleeping. Pounding the pavement, missing Mike like crazy tonight, and watching Swamp People... what an interesting day hahaha

Love ya'll!

Falling sure, you could call it that, I prefer flying

Well people... these last two weeks have been crazy! I have basically been living with Mike, I think the last time I slept at home was Monday, September 20th! Yup... I'm shacking up.  Who would have thought it? I am having a blast! He has a son, named Jake, who turned 7 on September 18th.  Legit the cutest best kid ever.  I have been taking him to see Coco (my mom's horse) and he LOVES it! I am so glad that I have something cool for him.  I am so falling in love with this kid, oh and Mike of course.  I think I am turning domestic (gulp).  The weird thing is that I am so enjoying it.  Getting Jake ready for bed, helping him with his homework, making sure Mike accomplishes some homework/dissertation stuff.  I don't want to be too much of a distraction.  It would be nice if we were able to accomplish things ya know? But at the same time, I don't need to push anything.  Its all happening really naturally... I dunno, its just easy.  There really doesn't seem to be any work involved.  Odd how that happens.  I am falling more in love everyday.  I have a toothbrush here now, and he is making me a key.  Is this too fast? I was talking to Nick about it, and he was floored, but I dunno, I think as long as Mike and I both feel comfortable with the place we are at then it can't really be wrong? Thoughts guys?

I think I am in a grown up relationship.  Its really cool.  And Mike and I get into the coolest discussions on philosophy, human nature, reincarnation, life, soul, math, quantum theory.... he comes from a science molecular type level and I come from a macro big picture level, we pretty much always come to the same conclusion but the journey on the way there is always fascinating.  Like today we were talking about energy and reincarnation and some law that exists that basically means that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes form.  He told me that there are places where atoms (or sub-atomic things... not really sure) seemingly appear out of nowhere, but that they don't seem like they are spontaneously popping into existence, but seem like they are being transported from one place and popping into another with absolutely no time lapse, so in essence they are existing in both places at the same time for just the smallest space of time.  Its crazy!!!

We are nerds together.

But its really cool because he makes me see the world differently.  I dunno, somehow it seems more magical when I look up at the mountains or the moon or the stars, when you start to understand the small stuff it all seems so much more random and lucky.  He is good to me, so don't you guys worry on that front.  He really sees me, in a way that I have never felt before.  The way he describes me is awesome, like he is forming this picture of me and puts it into words that I have never been able to express.  He knows who I am without me having to tell him.  I dunno, does that sound insane?  I have seriously never laughed so much, loved so much, had so much fun, felt so secure and safe.  He did some intelligence work when he was in the army so he is pretty bad ass.  And sexy as hell... ok enough bragging about my man.  Sorry.  I tend to get carried away.  

hmmm... I guess I don't really have much else to talk about, this is essentially what I have been doing for the past two weeks.  Falling in love.  But it doesn't really feel like falling... more like soaring, I am flying in love? I think I like it.

One of those nights

Guys... The mountains here are unreal.  Mike and I were driving along and he decides to take the scenic route back to his apartment.  Well scenic in the Rocky mountains vs CT = TOTALLY different! We were driving up along Horsetooth Resevoir.  It was dusk, he was playing the Decemberists, there was mist coming off the mountain tops with the resevoir in the foreground.  It was magic.  I was suddenly struck by how wonderous this world is.  I mean its really fucking incredible.  Do you ever look around you and just think "Wow.  All of this is here, existing in this one moment in this one space just being.  How is this possible? How has the earth managed to be just the right size, spinning the right speed, at just the right distance from the sun for hundreds of thousands of years.  How did we manage to evolve from amiebas to thinking acting, compassionate human beings.  How mind blowing is this world?" And there you are looking around you at all the wonders of the world driving through this glorious place, holding hands and listening to music.  Its all so shocking. 

Life is such a fantastically, terrifying, wonderous, difficult, beautiful crazy amazing thing.  God I just love the struggle.  The hard stuff... the stuff that you can really sink your teeth into and just bite.  The work and the play. You can't have good with out bad.  You cannot have compassion without cruelty, or happiness without sadness.  Its all in the journey, the balance of life, the gloriousness. 

I just feel so lucky these days.

Unexpected Forays. The stuff of Life

Sometimes things just come along that you do not expect in the least.  I plan on moving to another continent in a few months, why the hell would I want a romantic entanglement here in Colorado? Why would I want something that will tie me down? I want my freedom!  Well something has come along.  Unexpected for sure, but its there.  I don't know what exactly, its far too early to make any sort of predictions, whether realistic or ridiculous but that feeling is there.  That "i haven't been this excited about someone in (insert some measurement of time here)"

Yep its there, and there is no denying it.  We just have fun, we laugh and joke, and have cool discussions (we come from very different scholarly backgrounds he is PhD Computer Science / Mathematician student who works in the biology field right now - and I well you know Anthro, philosophy, Macro in other words), we snuggle and make out.  There is not a lack of chemistry that is for sure.  We get along swimmingly, and its easy! It has never felt like work to force a conversation, there are comfortable silences (something I find shocking after only knowing a person for 2 days - true we did spend 26 hours of those two days together so some level of comfort must be expected - but does that comfort level come from the time or the ease with which it is spent? I don't think time alone can do that), there are funny jokes, teasing back and forth, I even snored in his ear at one point and he never once let me go.  It is in that period of "wow I met this awesome dude, that I totally respect as a human being and as an intellectual, there is some mystery there, I feel totally safe when I am with him, he makes me laugh, makes me breakfast and French press coffee (that is brownie points right there) and my knees buckle" where are the faults here???? What am I supposed to do with that? I mean at this point I am slightly in awe of the guy.  He is just a fucking awesome man.

So I ask again why? 

Well I have managed to once again fall into the trap of assumptions.  Clearly by asking why I am assuming that this will go somewhere, and while I hope that it does indeed continue in some form or another, I find myself asking myself why I am asking why.  Why can't I just let it be whatever the hell it will be? Who knows where this world will take me, who knows what is in store? If for some reason something comes of this than awesome, totally down, but at the same time, how ridiculous is it to wonder about what the future holds in this case? I think its time for a little life lesson about letting go more.  Clearly I cannot control the future so why start worrying about something that may not even happen and if something does happen the sad part is months away.

For now I am going to sit back and enjoy the journey, cause hey, isn't that what its all about anyway?

Colorado Adventuring

Ok people.  I have been in Colorado for about two weeks now.  It has been awesome! I spend my days with my mom and grandmother making peach jam, spiced peaches, canning peaches, making peach syrup, peach chutney for meat (I am not kidding this is legit what I have been doing).  We have two peach trees in our backyard and well my mom and grandmother are crazy so we have made 25 jars of peach jam, 5 jars of peach syrup, 5 jars of chutney, 12 jars of just canned peaches in simple syrup, and 6 jars of spiced peaches.  How random is that???

I have also gone on two quasi-date things with the same guy, we kissed today, not good - it was like kissing my cousin or something, no sparks at all... Well he is cool, I hope he will be ok with just being friends, how do you tell someone that your just not into it? I hate this... this is why I don't date.

I have also been going riding.  Like on horses.  Thats been pretty cool, I am getting better at it, which is good because I love to ride.  My mom has been giving me some lessons.  I galloped the other day... slightly terrifying when you are unsure of how to stop.

I also got into a minor car accident last weekend.  I was with my bro and some friends down in Boulder, we decided to buy some Salvia (HOLY SHIT! story will come later).  So we picked some up, everyone was wasted except for me so naturally I was the driver.  Anyway, I pull out of a parking spot, legit look both ways but somehow don't see a massive blue SUV coming down the hill... Am I blind? I catch it before its bad, slam on my breaks and the kid grazes along my license plate I actually bumped him going like 2 mph... a nothing right? well the kid (who was deaf btw, did not know that deaf people were allowed to drive - good to know that in some circumstances a horn may not make another driver aware of the fact that you are already in the spot they are encroaching on) was pretty cool about it, we decided no cops, he is fine, I am fine, its all legit, trade info, a little over cautious about the whole thing but whatever.  His car has scratches, mine is fine except where my license plate once was, we call it a day.  He gets some quotes, $2,000 fucking dollars... for scratches! yeah... so I call my insurance company give them a heads up and his info, text him and tell him its all taken care of, my insurance co will contact him and he is good to go.  He says "Ok, I am calling the cops" WHAT?!?!?! decided to file a report just cause.  I asked my insurance company if they required a police report, they said no, and I told him that!  sooooo.... why call the cops? don't know... So a cop calls me while I am out on that first date with the dude that I am not super into, I ignore the call, no problem call them later.  Cop leaves obnoxiously cop like message so I call him back, leave a VM, still have heard nothing... I do not know what is going on.  But moral of the story, do not hit deaf kids driving big blue SUVs... They seem cool at first but later turn on you.

ok salvia... WOW blew my mind... First time that night could not stop laughing cause the color red was EVERYWHERE... second time, nothing, I didn't hit it right or something... third time... oooohhhhh man... I was in another world! I was chillin on the couch, totally normal, it hasn't hit yet, so my friend decides to be funny and starts flickering the lights I immediately freak out because I am afraid that I will freak out so I hide under this massive white blanket.  Then it hits me... I am GONE! I remember some of it, but apparently I kept saying "Shhhhh... don't laugh, they are in here with me... shhhh... look! ooooo! They are in here oh my god! shhhh..." for like 2 minutes... when I came out from under the blanket and resurfaced into the normal world my brother goes "Brit, what was happening???" I start dieing laughing and say "The Rockies duhhhh!" I was climbing the Rocky mountains underneath a blanket and it all made so much sense... oh boy...

So Miah and I came back from our Boulder adventure, exhausted, missing the front license plate from my car, and in a a severe salvia hangover, only to discover that we had a shit ton of peach picking and canning and jamming to do... oh man.  So that has been CO in a nutshell...

OH WAIT! Crazy story!
So I decide to go out the other night, Labor day night, so Monday, to meet up with this kid at Buffalo Wild Wings near my house, he is 30 min late, I am 5 min early so I start drinking alone.  Meet these two awesome dudes at the bar -  not kidding their names were Johnnie Walker and Josh Jameson - I made them show me their I.D.s it was legit.  They had just met at the bar 30 min before I came in so we all bonded in the whole strangers thing.  Then Jaimie (the guy I was meeting up with) comes in, we all order shots and booze and the night is starting off glorious.  We all mesh really well, have a blast don't want the night to end at 1.  So Johnnie calls up his friend to see if the pool hall where she works is open... nada, by this point its 1:30... so I suggest we go to a titty-bar! They stay open later! So I pull out a 20 in cash, exchange it for ones at a gas station and we call the titty-bar... they close in ten minutes... FUCK.... So Johnnie says, hey! I have a hot tub and a fire pit in my apt complex, no booze, but its something to do! So we all agree, walk over to his complex, hop the fence and get into the hot tub..... so fun! we are in there for like an hour, Josh passes out in the hot tub, refuses to get out, very funny.  We head over to the fire pit I attempt to wring out my bra, does no good, we turn on the fire, Johnnie has some blankets and we all wrap up... except Jaimie... this kid lol decides he wants to dry out his boxers.  So he just gets naked.  In the middle of the complex, I have pictures! oh man, by the time his shorts are dry its 4 am, I decide to head home... what a glorious night, 4 strangers coming together on Labor day night, end up in a hot tub at 3 am and a fire by 4 am... You can't make this fairy tale kind of stuff up

And that is CO in a nutshell... at least so far. More stories will come, I still have a shit ton of Salvia... love that its legal!