Sunday, October 31, 2010

Lately, something here don't feel right

Mike has been really weird the past few days. It's like he has totally checked out. And what I am trying to figure out is if he has checked out of the relationship or if he is just stressed. You know how you can be in the same room and sleeping in the same bed as someone but its like you are miles apart? Thats how its been. Maybe I am just feeling insecure and I should just get over it but I am worried. In his sleep he used to cuddle me and tell me how much he loves me and that he wants to take me with him wherever he goes. He hasn't done that in weeks now. Its almost like he doesn't see me anymore. He used to talk about him and I traveling together and now the only one he includes in his plans is Jake. We talked yesterday about all of his stress and how he feels so claustrophobic and tied down with everything. I can't help but feel that I am part of the problem and not part of the solution.

He also said the other day that he doesn't believe in love. Maybe it shouldn't have but it hurt my feelings.

And yesterday he went to Denver to hang out with his friends. The other day I asked him if I could go with him to meet them because I have not met a single one of his friends. He said sure, then yesterday morning when I asked him about it he looked at me and said "really?!?!" in a tone that was anything but inviting. It hurt my feelings too.

And the worst part, and maybe I am just being crazy, is that friday night Jake and I were up in his room coloring and he started talking about his dad's other "friend" Julia and how he misses her but she lives in Denver. I dunno, do you think Mike went to see her? All is not well my friends. I guess I am mostly just terrified.

I am scared because I have given him my heart or at least as much as you can give in 6 weeks. And I am pretty sure that he will never give me his. Maybe I should stop falling so fearlessly.

and last night I called him before I went to bed, like I told him I would, and he ignored my call... I mean literally it rang 4 times then went to vm... he ignored it. not didn't hear it, not anything like that. Ignored it.

I'm just so unsure and feeling rather neglected. Maybe its my new BC pill, it might be making me depressed and I am looking way to into this. But somehow I really don't think so.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wow its been awhile

Ok so... I think the last time I posted was a few weeks ago. Crazy how quickly this all seems to go. I am still living with Mike. We have settled into more of a routine and I am learning more of his quirks. Odd that I still love him. hehe. For instance if he drinks scotch while he is making dinner, its a sure sign that after dinner is over he will fall asleep on my lap watching tv. But if its beer he will probably be working on his computer all night. Bourbon makes him playful (I like bourbon ;) ), and gin makes him quiet and thoughtful, Wine though is my absolute favorite, he gets so romantic and sweet when he is drinking wine...

lol I just re-read that and it made him sound like an alchy which is not the case. Thankfully

Another thing that I have learned. Do not talk to him in the morning. Unless he talks first. I have never met a more grumpy morning person in my life. I mean I thought I was bad (or at least I used to be more than I am now) but man o man... this guy makes Walter Matthau look like a shining beacon of light! So the mornings are silent for the most part, unless he wakes up in a good mood (which is rare).

He cooks, I clean. Thats the way it goes. For some reason he loves to cook, and he is super good at it. Last night he made homemade from scratch chicken pot pie with a side of green beans, salad, and a piece of buttered bread (not like reg sandwich bread but legit good crusty bread). And the night before that he made homemade from scratch beef stew with tons of fresh veggies. Am I the luckiest girl or what? So he cooks, and I clean. It works out well for us I think. He does take out the garbage though, there are just somethings that will never change.

I have been looking for a job like you would not believe. I was doing political canvassing for Betsy Markey but then I got very sick and had to go to the ER and I was in so much pain that I couldn't even walk (unless I was on percocet which is not conducive to walking either) for about a week and I lost my job! I didn't really get fired, just got more of an email that was like "Hey I hired a bunch of new people so unless you are 100% better don't worry about coming back" I hated the job anyway... or at least I started to there at the end. Everyone was so rude! So now I am looking again. Back in the beginning of October I applied to be a freelance research assistant and I never heard back from them. Or so I thought. I just looked in my spam folder and there was a reply, they wanted to hire me. WTF. So I emailed them back and I am hoping that this job is still open. - Starbucks wont even hire me because I have a tattoo on my wrist... um starbucks you need to update your policies thanks... fuck 'em.

Went out shopping with my mom and gma the other day for my bridesmaids dress. Tried on a pair of spanx... HOLY SHIT I am in love with them! Never going out without them!

what else..... hmmmmmm......

getting very excited for my mom's wedding!!! Mostly I am just super stoked to be with Miah and Kierstan again!!! and Brandon will be there too! Mom keeps saying that she can't believe Nick wont be able to come. She said it feels unnatural that one of her children wont be there and that she is sure she will cry. We love Nick.

I have been somewhat well, not homesick per say, more like people sick. I miss so many of my friends, its weird isn't it? the people that you are sure you will miss and you don't and the people that have managed to worm their way into your heart and you find yourself somewhat surprised that you miss them. I dunno. I always find it funny that way.

Guys I am having serious issues... well more like I am being dramatic and I have the luxury of falling into an existential crisis. What am I going to do with my life??? thats the question of the day. Please feel free to provide me with an answer. One friend already told me to have a baby. I think I will wait on that thanks.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Time really does seem to fly

Well guys, its been over a month now that I have essentially been living with Mike... and when I say essentially, I mean I probably spend a night or two at my house every other week. Its crazy how fast time goes by. I dunno... it is entering that comfortable phase where we really start to see each other warts and all. Mike can be grumpy as hell haha I mean like almost scary grumpy but for some reason it really doesn't bother me, at least not yet. But I am thinking that maybe we should slow down a little bit. How can you appreciate something if you don't miss it? So I am taking some time to spend at home tonight and for the next few days, because I want to appreciate this stage. The newness part, the part where we can't wait to see each other, where you still get butterflies when you make out with someone. Think its a good idea? I do anyway and I suppose thats all that matters. I think its an important part of any relationship. As much as we all hate the game and the drama they clearly exist for a reason, maybe its a part of human nature. I dunno, I just know that I want to miss Mike, not take his presence for granted. I don't ever want to not appreciate him, and I think that it is getting to that point for us, well it has been a month of spending 24/7 together. I suppose its only natural that the whole comfort thing would creep in. I have found myself sitting around in his apartment in my sweats and a wife-beater not bothering to put on make-up or do my hair or take a shower... not good my friends. So its time to keep the sexiness alive. I actually put on make-up yesterday and got dressed and took a shower and Mike looked at me and said "you look really nice today." oops... I have learned my lesson, a grunge day is kosher every once in a while but not everyday.

Well enough about Mike, for now anyway.

I started my new job today! Canvassing for the incumbent Congresswoman Betsy Markey. It's pretty cool actually. I mean my feet have blisters that you would not believe (wearing my crocs from now on!) but the whole thing was interesting and fun for the most part. The training was pretty funny actually, everything they handed out to us about Betsy was pretty propagandist both pro Betsy and anti-Cory Gardiner (her Republican challenger) so that was amusing to see of course. Thankfully I actually did my research and I was able to spot the propaganda fluff inside the truth, why don't people just tell it like it is? I dunno for me personally I move in the exact opposite direction as soon as I feel like I am being indoctrinated in some way so propagandist stuff works just the opposite on me. Thankfully I pretty much agree with Betsy's policies. She is fiscally responsible which appeals to me in this ridiculous deficit, she voted to reduce her own congressional salary which I also like, she is super pro-agriculture and small business (she was a small business owner for 25 years before she got into politics - another thing I like - no more career politicians - ughhhh), she is pro gay rights which obviously is key for me. I think the only thing I don't like is how anti-bailout she is. I mean I don't like it any more than the next guy but I do think that they were necessary, and honestly a lot of that money has already been paid back - not all obviously but a lot. Oh and she voted for the Health care bill in a move that was, well, gutsy. A lot of the people out here are pretty anti-health care bill and she had a voice and an opinion. I am down with that.

I don't know everything about her, or really all that much anyway, but whatever. I am getting paid to walk around and talk to people about politics. $10 an hour! hell yeah! That rocks out my CV and I am making money doing something that I love to do. Why the hell not? I am working m-f 4-8 pm and sat 10-2... Oooooo and I met a new friend!! or at least I hope he will be!!! His name is Jacob, he graduated from UNC in music, he is gay and fab and I love him!

Last night I cried for the first time since I moved out here. I have been feeling a little homesick for all my friends and for the rest of my family and for all the memories. I dunno. I miss so much. I didn't really realize until last night just how much I missed it all. How much I missed all of you guys. :(

Well for now I must go to bed. "Swamp People" (ummm best show ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has sucked me in once again and it is time for sleeping. Pounding the pavement, missing Mike like crazy tonight, and watching Swamp People... what an interesting day hahaha

Love ya'll!