Monday, December 19, 2011

Only been over a year

So I recently decided to try to keep up with this thing again. I don't know if anyone is actually reading it or not but who cares. A lot has happened in the last year. Mike and I broke up and then got back together and then broke up again (this time for good). I became a CNA and was pleasantly surprised by how much I love taking care of old people. Miah has moved to Colorado and we are getting an apartment together in the next month or two. I reconnected with an old flame (well we went on 4 or 5 dates over the course of 3 years so not really sure if that counts as a flame). He and I have been talking a lot. It is actually incredible. I have never really felt like I could be myself with anyone I have ever dated, and with Andrae I am completely myself. He lives in NY and I live here so really whats the point in being anything other than us? We spend probably about 12 hours a week on the phone or on skype. We even watched a movie on the computer at the same time and talked on the phone during it. (his suggestion.... not even mine lol).

So that is where I am at these days. Super excited about living with Miah, very excited about how things are going with Andrae. Loving my job, and trying to figure out what I want out of life. I used to be so convinced that I would hate to get married and have kids, I actively struggled against growing up and having that life. But one of the things that my terrible relationship with mike taught me is that I think I could be happy with that. I think I want to be a mom. I never really thought that I did. I guess I am more ordinary than I thought. I no longer want to move to Palestine, or go on crazy grand adventures because that life seems lonely to me. I also have lost some of my naivety and no longer believe that I can single handed change the world. I actually don't really think that anyone can. It is a little sad to look around you and realize that you lost a lot of your idealism. But its probably good too. I have taken off a lot of the pressure that I used to put on myself and realized that I don't need to change the world to be happy or successful. Well that is all for now but I am going to try to post a new one at least 2 times a month.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

some Poems

just some poems I have written over the past few months, hope you guys like them!

That Door

I read about all these Horrible things and places and faces
that make living so much harder
and I try
I try to remember why I got in this fight in the first place
cause my reasons seem like nothin
my efforts seem pointless and I stop
I must try
Things places faces
its all the same
I walk to the door
with intent to walk out and never
no not ever
look back
but my hand pauses on the handle
and I can't make myself go through with it
I see the faces
I remember why I chose this fight
I try
And I read what my government says
and how CNN fires someone for sympathy
and I get mad
Burning twisting guts mad
where you can feel your heart and soul in flames
and when the power fades
I am alone
sitting on a couch feeling useless and mad and empty
The wall is bigger than me
I am powerless
and I forget why I chose this fight
The door is right there
within my grasp
but I see
and I must try
I must remember
Is this all in vain?
All this caring.... does it have a reason?
Or will I die with injustice on my lips
sugar coated and useless
sweet plump lips that have done nothing but talk in useless circles
about nothing that anyone seems to care about
my sweet lips turning sour with despair
That door
Those faces
my useless lips and tongue forming nothing more than more words
more worlds that don't exist
or wont exist
why this fight?
I must try
But I don't know why

"I know if they wanted they could have done so"

We sit safe behind the walls of politics
Too afraid to label
While women are raped and tortured
Before blissful death ends their pain.
While children are beaten starved and molested
Tortured killed and stuffed into latrines
Bodies bloated with excrement
And men are forced to watch their families
Before they too are killed
And Madeleine Albright sat safe in her office
Where she had reports and numbers
Of hundreds of thousands living and dying
In hell on earth
And she made policies and urged others
To stay away
While France supplied the weapons and money
And profited from underground drug deals
Because Rwanda is a fertile land
Where drugs can grow and live
While the people are killed and tortured
And the church can turn its face
Or worse
Can help in the decimation
Of its former congregation
And the UN removed its peacekeepers
When forces should have moved in
And the world watched it happen
And did nothing
And these European powers and these American decisions
Are not tried in the International Criminal Court
So we get away with murder
Because either way we all killed
Washington Killed
France Killed
The UN Killed
A death by omission is still a death
We all kill as we watch Israel bomb
With intent to exterminate Palestinians
To create a new Warsaw for non-Jews
We sit and watch and give Israel money
And Egypt money to keep their peace
While the government pockets it
And young college educated men in need of jobs
Join extremist groups for lack of something better to do
And we sit and we watch and we torture
We torture in prisons just outside jurisdiction
And help create new terrorists
And call it “preemptive defense”
And we sit and watch
Because no one wants to label it
No one wants to get involved
But it happens
Outside our borders
As we install the patriot act
And defy the very rights upon which this country was built
We defy conducting ourselves in a manner fitting
A country claiming Human Rights
And we claim to be humanitarians
And we get sick
Because the world is sick
And we seem to believe that we have no choice

Walking away from the dais and into the dark unseen promise

We sit on our thrones
The masters of capitalism
Avarice rules the world
Where people are dying
Bombed night and day
All for land
And politics
And fake religious wars
It all means nothing
To us
The masters of capitalism
Comfortable on our thrones
Of greed and material
But this life isn’t mine
It isn’t for me
I want out of inertia
To be a new voice
So I’m throwing off my mantle
Stepping out of the cage
And discovering more
The time is now for our generation
To make a change
Make a difference
You can too
So step down from the dais
Take my hand
I will lead you
And forge paths unexplored
To a new world
Where Israel isn’t bombing Gaza
And children aren’t soldiers
And no one is starving
With bellies bloated
And vultures circling
Come take my hand
And together
We will forge a new world

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Lately, something here don't feel right

Mike has been really weird the past few days. It's like he has totally checked out. And what I am trying to figure out is if he has checked out of the relationship or if he is just stressed. You know how you can be in the same room and sleeping in the same bed as someone but its like you are miles apart? Thats how its been. Maybe I am just feeling insecure and I should just get over it but I am worried. In his sleep he used to cuddle me and tell me how much he loves me and that he wants to take me with him wherever he goes. He hasn't done that in weeks now. Its almost like he doesn't see me anymore. He used to talk about him and I traveling together and now the only one he includes in his plans is Jake. We talked yesterday about all of his stress and how he feels so claustrophobic and tied down with everything. I can't help but feel that I am part of the problem and not part of the solution.

He also said the other day that he doesn't believe in love. Maybe it shouldn't have but it hurt my feelings.

And yesterday he went to Denver to hang out with his friends. The other day I asked him if I could go with him to meet them because I have not met a single one of his friends. He said sure, then yesterday morning when I asked him about it he looked at me and said "really?!?!" in a tone that was anything but inviting. It hurt my feelings too.

And the worst part, and maybe I am just being crazy, is that friday night Jake and I were up in his room coloring and he started talking about his dad's other "friend" Julia and how he misses her but she lives in Denver. I dunno, do you think Mike went to see her? All is not well my friends. I guess I am mostly just terrified.

I am scared because I have given him my heart or at least as much as you can give in 6 weeks. And I am pretty sure that he will never give me his. Maybe I should stop falling so fearlessly.

and last night I called him before I went to bed, like I told him I would, and he ignored my call... I mean literally it rang 4 times then went to vm... he ignored it. not didn't hear it, not anything like that. Ignored it.

I'm just so unsure and feeling rather neglected. Maybe its my new BC pill, it might be making me depressed and I am looking way to into this. But somehow I really don't think so.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wow its been awhile

Ok so... I think the last time I posted was a few weeks ago. Crazy how quickly this all seems to go. I am still living with Mike. We have settled into more of a routine and I am learning more of his quirks. Odd that I still love him. hehe. For instance if he drinks scotch while he is making dinner, its a sure sign that after dinner is over he will fall asleep on my lap watching tv. But if its beer he will probably be working on his computer all night. Bourbon makes him playful (I like bourbon ;) ), and gin makes him quiet and thoughtful, Wine though is my absolute favorite, he gets so romantic and sweet when he is drinking wine...

lol I just re-read that and it made him sound like an alchy which is not the case. Thankfully

Another thing that I have learned. Do not talk to him in the morning. Unless he talks first. I have never met a more grumpy morning person in my life. I mean I thought I was bad (or at least I used to be more than I am now) but man o man... this guy makes Walter Matthau look like a shining beacon of light! So the mornings are silent for the most part, unless he wakes up in a good mood (which is rare).

He cooks, I clean. Thats the way it goes. For some reason he loves to cook, and he is super good at it. Last night he made homemade from scratch chicken pot pie with a side of green beans, salad, and a piece of buttered bread (not like reg sandwich bread but legit good crusty bread). And the night before that he made homemade from scratch beef stew with tons of fresh veggies. Am I the luckiest girl or what? So he cooks, and I clean. It works out well for us I think. He does take out the garbage though, there are just somethings that will never change.

I have been looking for a job like you would not believe. I was doing political canvassing for Betsy Markey but then I got very sick and had to go to the ER and I was in so much pain that I couldn't even walk (unless I was on percocet which is not conducive to walking either) for about a week and I lost my job! I didn't really get fired, just got more of an email that was like "Hey I hired a bunch of new people so unless you are 100% better don't worry about coming back" I hated the job anyway... or at least I started to there at the end. Everyone was so rude! So now I am looking again. Back in the beginning of October I applied to be a freelance research assistant and I never heard back from them. Or so I thought. I just looked in my spam folder and there was a reply, they wanted to hire me. WTF. So I emailed them back and I am hoping that this job is still open. - Starbucks wont even hire me because I have a tattoo on my wrist... um starbucks you need to update your policies thanks... fuck 'em.

Went out shopping with my mom and gma the other day for my bridesmaids dress. Tried on a pair of spanx... HOLY SHIT I am in love with them! Never going out without them!

what else..... hmmmmmm......

getting very excited for my mom's wedding!!! Mostly I am just super stoked to be with Miah and Kierstan again!!! and Brandon will be there too! Mom keeps saying that she can't believe Nick wont be able to come. She said it feels unnatural that one of her children wont be there and that she is sure she will cry. We love Nick.

I have been somewhat well, not homesick per say, more like people sick. I miss so many of my friends, its weird isn't it? the people that you are sure you will miss and you don't and the people that have managed to worm their way into your heart and you find yourself somewhat surprised that you miss them. I dunno. I always find it funny that way.

Guys I am having serious issues... well more like I am being dramatic and I have the luxury of falling into an existential crisis. What am I going to do with my life??? thats the question of the day. Please feel free to provide me with an answer. One friend already told me to have a baby. I think I will wait on that thanks.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Time really does seem to fly

Well guys, its been over a month now that I have essentially been living with Mike... and when I say essentially, I mean I probably spend a night or two at my house every other week. Its crazy how fast time goes by. I dunno... it is entering that comfortable phase where we really start to see each other warts and all. Mike can be grumpy as hell haha I mean like almost scary grumpy but for some reason it really doesn't bother me, at least not yet. But I am thinking that maybe we should slow down a little bit. How can you appreciate something if you don't miss it? So I am taking some time to spend at home tonight and for the next few days, because I want to appreciate this stage. The newness part, the part where we can't wait to see each other, where you still get butterflies when you make out with someone. Think its a good idea? I do anyway and I suppose thats all that matters. I think its an important part of any relationship. As much as we all hate the game and the drama they clearly exist for a reason, maybe its a part of human nature. I dunno, I just know that I want to miss Mike, not take his presence for granted. I don't ever want to not appreciate him, and I think that it is getting to that point for us, well it has been a month of spending 24/7 together. I suppose its only natural that the whole comfort thing would creep in. I have found myself sitting around in his apartment in my sweats and a wife-beater not bothering to put on make-up or do my hair or take a shower... not good my friends. So its time to keep the sexiness alive. I actually put on make-up yesterday and got dressed and took a shower and Mike looked at me and said "you look really nice today." oops... I have learned my lesson, a grunge day is kosher every once in a while but not everyday.

Well enough about Mike, for now anyway.

I started my new job today! Canvassing for the incumbent Congresswoman Betsy Markey. It's pretty cool actually. I mean my feet have blisters that you would not believe (wearing my crocs from now on!) but the whole thing was interesting and fun for the most part. The training was pretty funny actually, everything they handed out to us about Betsy was pretty propagandist both pro Betsy and anti-Cory Gardiner (her Republican challenger) so that was amusing to see of course. Thankfully I actually did my research and I was able to spot the propaganda fluff inside the truth, why don't people just tell it like it is? I dunno for me personally I move in the exact opposite direction as soon as I feel like I am being indoctrinated in some way so propagandist stuff works just the opposite on me. Thankfully I pretty much agree with Betsy's policies. She is fiscally responsible which appeals to me in this ridiculous deficit, she voted to reduce her own congressional salary which I also like, she is super pro-agriculture and small business (she was a small business owner for 25 years before she got into politics - another thing I like - no more career politicians - ughhhh), she is pro gay rights which obviously is key for me. I think the only thing I don't like is how anti-bailout she is. I mean I don't like it any more than the next guy but I do think that they were necessary, and honestly a lot of that money has already been paid back - not all obviously but a lot. Oh and she voted for the Health care bill in a move that was, well, gutsy. A lot of the people out here are pretty anti-health care bill and she had a voice and an opinion. I am down with that.

I don't know everything about her, or really all that much anyway, but whatever. I am getting paid to walk around and talk to people about politics. $10 an hour! hell yeah! That rocks out my CV and I am making money doing something that I love to do. Why the hell not? I am working m-f 4-8 pm and sat 10-2... Oooooo and I met a new friend!! or at least I hope he will be!!! His name is Jacob, he graduated from UNC in music, he is gay and fab and I love him!

Last night I cried for the first time since I moved out here. I have been feeling a little homesick for all my friends and for the rest of my family and for all the memories. I dunno. I miss so much. I didn't really realize until last night just how much I missed it all. How much I missed all of you guys. :(

Well for now I must go to bed. "Swamp People" (ummm best show ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has sucked me in once again and it is time for sleeping. Pounding the pavement, missing Mike like crazy tonight, and watching Swamp People... what an interesting day hahaha

Love ya'll!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Falling sure, you could call it that, I prefer flying

Well people... these last two weeks have been crazy! I have basically been living with Mike, I think the last time I slept at home was Monday, September 20th! Yup... I'm shacking up.  Who would have thought it? I am having a blast! He has a son, named Jake, who turned 7 on September 18th.  Legit the cutest best kid ever.  I have been taking him to see Coco (my mom's horse) and he LOVES it! I am so glad that I have something cool for him.  I am so falling in love with this kid, oh and Mike of course.  I think I am turning domestic (gulp).  The weird thing is that I am so enjoying it.  Getting Jake ready for bed, helping him with his homework, making sure Mike accomplishes some homework/dissertation stuff.  I don't want to be too much of a distraction.  It would be nice if we were able to accomplish things ya know? But at the same time, I don't need to push anything.  Its all happening really naturally... I dunno, its just easy.  There really doesn't seem to be any work involved.  Odd how that happens.  I am falling more in love everyday.  I have a toothbrush here now, and he is making me a key.  Is this too fast? I was talking to Nick about it, and he was floored, but I dunno, I think as long as Mike and I both feel comfortable with the place we are at then it can't really be wrong? Thoughts guys?

I think I am in a grown up relationship.  Its really cool.  And Mike and I get into the coolest discussions on philosophy, human nature, reincarnation, life, soul, math, quantum theory.... he comes from a science molecular type level and I come from a macro big picture level, we pretty much always come to the same conclusion but the journey on the way there is always fascinating.  Like today we were talking about energy and reincarnation and some law that exists that basically means that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes form.  He told me that there are places where atoms (or sub-atomic things... not really sure) seemingly appear out of nowhere, but that they don't seem like they are spontaneously popping into existence, but seem like they are being transported from one place and popping into another with absolutely no time lapse, so in essence they are existing in both places at the same time for just the smallest space of time.  Its crazy!!!

We are nerds together.

But its really cool because he makes me see the world differently.  I dunno, somehow it seems more magical when I look up at the mountains or the moon or the stars, when you start to understand the small stuff it all seems so much more random and lucky.  He is good to me, so don't you guys worry on that front.  He really sees me, in a way that I have never felt before.  The way he describes me is awesome, like he is forming this picture of me and puts it into words that I have never been able to express.  He knows who I am without me having to tell him.  I dunno, does that sound insane?  I have seriously never laughed so much, loved so much, had so much fun, felt so secure and safe.  He did some intelligence work when he was in the army so he is pretty bad ass.  And sexy as hell... ok enough bragging about my man.  Sorry.  I tend to get carried away.  

hmmm... I guess I don't really have much else to talk about, this is essentially what I have been doing for the past two weeks.  Falling in love.  But it doesn't really feel like falling... more like soaring, I am flying in love? I think I like it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

One of those nights

Guys... The mountains here are unreal.  Mike and I were driving along and he decides to take the scenic route back to his apartment.  Well scenic in the Rocky mountains vs CT = TOTALLY different! We were driving up along Horsetooth Resevoir.  It was dusk, he was playing the Decemberists, there was mist coming off the mountain tops with the resevoir in the foreground.  It was magic.  I was suddenly struck by how wonderous this world is.  I mean its really fucking incredible.  Do you ever look around you and just think "Wow.  All of this is here, existing in this one moment in this one space just being.  How is this possible? How has the earth managed to be just the right size, spinning the right speed, at just the right distance from the sun for hundreds of thousands of years.  How did we manage to evolve from amiebas to thinking acting, compassionate human beings.  How mind blowing is this world?" And there you are looking around you at all the wonders of the world driving through this glorious place, holding hands and listening to music.  Its all so shocking. 

Life is such a fantastically, terrifying, wonderous, difficult, beautiful crazy amazing thing.  God I just love the struggle.  The hard stuff... the stuff that you can really sink your teeth into and just bite.  The work and the play. You can't have good with out bad.  You cannot have compassion without cruelty, or happiness without sadness.  Its all in the journey, the balance of life, the gloriousness. 

I just feel so lucky these days.